This is how I feel today. Humbled by life. It's hard to express myself when I feel this way because I have this annoying habit of pretending I'm fine. Pretending to be strong. I care too much about what people think I guess. Even as I'm writing this I'm totally uncomfortable. Heaven forbid I admit that life is hard.
You know that analogy about the jagged rock in the river? The rock is eventually smoothed by the rough water symbolizing how our own rough edges are smoothed by our trials. Well I kind of feel like my river is next to a steep rocky mountain and a huge boulder just rolled down and gouged a chunk out of the side of my rock. Totally not my fault, I know. And now it's going to take years of rapids and banging into other broken rocks to fix me.
Or to put it another way.... Have you heard of the "Stairmaster of Life"? Good, cuz I'm making this stuff up.. Anyhow there's the "Stairmaster of Life" and there's the "Bed of Life". The "Stairmaster of Life" is what we're supposed to be doing--trudging along, day after day, making small steps over and over and over. Sometimes it feels mundane and futile but it makes us stronger and happier. (I would have made the "Stairmaster" a "Mountain" but I think in the end it's less about where we are in our climb and more about what we have become.) And then there is the "Bed"... well this is obvious... comfort, complacency, bla, bla, bla. My problem is this: I'm on the "Stairmaster" staring longingly at the "Bed of Life", wanting to jump in, pull the covers over my head, and wait for the "Stairmaster" to become an ice cream sundae.
I hope I've made myself completely clear.
My point: I'm struggling with the idea of hope. I always have in fact. It seems to me that life happens the way it's supposed to regardless of how I feel about it. More often than not, when I do let myself hope for anything, I'm disappointed. So I've become a live-in-the-moment type of person that just lets life happen to her and expects very little, rejoicing in the good, and shrugging my shoulders at the tough stuff. Sure I set goals and work to achieve them... I'm all about self-improvement, but when it comes to the things that I can't control I've become a bit of a cynic.
I KNOW I'm not alone in this. Life has taught me that much. So what do I do about it? Isn't hope kind of a commandment? I'll take any suggestions, quotes, Ensign articles, even preachy judgments. I'm just that desperate.