Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Raw

This is how I feel today. Humbled by life. It's hard to express myself when I feel this way because I have this annoying habit of pretending I'm fine. Pretending to be strong. I care too much about what people think I guess. Even as I'm writing this I'm totally uncomfortable. Heaven forbid I admit that life is hard.

You know that analogy about the jagged rock in the river? The rock is eventually smoothed by the rough water symbolizing how our own rough edges are smoothed by our trials. Well I kind of feel like my river is next to a steep rocky mountain and a huge boulder just rolled down and gouged a chunk out of the side of my rock. Totally not my fault, I know. And now it's going to take years of rapids and banging into other broken rocks to fix me.

Or to put it another way.... Have you heard of the "Stairmaster of Life"? Good, cuz I'm making this stuff up.. Anyhow there's the "Stairmaster of Life" and there's the "Bed of Life". The "Stairmaster of Life" is what we're supposed to be doing--trudging along, day after day, making small steps over and over and over. Sometimes it feels mundane and futile but it makes us stronger and happier. (I would have made the "Stairmaster" a "Mountain" but I think in the end it's less about where we are in our climb and more about what we have become.) And then there is the "Bed"... well this is obvious... comfort, complacency, bla, bla, bla. My problem is this: I'm on the "Stairmaster" staring longingly at the "Bed of Life", wanting to jump in, pull the covers over my head, and wait for the "Stairmaster" to become an ice cream sundae.

I hope I've made myself completely clear.

My point: I'm struggling with the idea of hope. I always have in fact. It seems to me that life happens the way it's supposed to regardless of how I feel about it. More often than not, when I do let myself hope for anything, I'm disappointed. So I've become a live-in-the-moment type of person that just lets life happen to her and expects very little, rejoicing in the good, and shrugging my shoulders at the tough stuff. Sure I set goals and work to achieve them... I'm all about self-improvement, but when it comes to the things that I can't control I've become a bit of a cynic.

I KNOW I'm not alone in this. Life has taught me that much. So what do I do about it? Isn't hope kind of a commandment? I'll take any suggestions, quotes, Ensign articles, even preachy judgments. I'm just that desperate.

6 comments:

Sam and Livi said...

girl - i know how you feel!! Good luck and check out this site:

http://www.lds.org/topic/finding-hope/

Alex and Marie said...

Make this your new quest. Start researching and studying all you can about hope, positive thinking, optimism, etc. Go to the library and check out books on it. ("The Power of Positive Thinking" looked good.) Search the internet for articles. Make it the focus of your scripture study. Keep up the quest until you feel adequately convinced and can sense a change in yourself. I think it can make a HUGE difference in one's life. I'd like to hand you what I think of it, but I don't think it will affect you much until you sink your teeth into it and become convinced yourself through your own study and experience.

I will tell you this, though. I didn't use to give much credence to hope. It seemed weak compared to all the powers that be, like putting my hand in a waterfall to stop it. Then I met Alex. The man has uncanny luck and ability. If you want a taste of it, come play a game with us; he wins almost all the time, even when all of us gang up on him. Now that I have gotten to know him better I've realized a lot of it stems from his perspective. He is so optimistic. The thing about hope is it 1) makes us feel better, and 2) leads us to find solutions or at least make things better, if not fixed. When we say "I can't" our brains stop. When we say "How can I..." we start using our brain and abilities to find answers... and we will. I believe there is incredible power in our hope and faith put into action. And the Lord will bless us with miracles. Don't underestimate your potential to call on the powers of heaven. But it seems to me that God would sooner help a child who is hopeful and doing all she can than a child who gives up and sits and pouts.

Hope that helps. Be believing. Go check out some books and get started!

Shannon said...

I just emailed you.... LOVE you.

Shannon said...

Oh, and I know this is a few minutes later, but I forgot to tell you how much I love your analogies. You're awesome like that.

Angela said...

Stacy,

I don't have any answers. But I want you to know that your blog post helped to give me hope. I have always looked up to you! You are awesome. I don't know how you do it all.

I have been floundering a bit with this idea as well. And I agree with what has been said. We just need to keep trying. Keep practicing. Keep praying for it. Easier said than done. :) Keep smiling. It helps. Anyway, thanks again for the post. :) If there is anyway I can help, let me know!

Amy Bates said...

You so got this...Since you were little, struggle has always brought out the best in you. It's in a crunch that you really shine. Think of all those last minute papers you pulled out of nowhere for school that got you AMAZING grades! I was always a little jealous of that ability. Heavenly Father just knows you can bring it to the next level and he is clearing the way for that to happen. What's the song by that girl your hubby likes..."...It's the climb..."

I love you!!!!