Saturday, September 18, 2010

Ramblings

It's late. I had a migraine today and most of this probably won't make any sense at all. I can't sleep so I figured I'd jot down a few of my thoughts lately.

School started a few weeks ago and life has been very busy. I go to school every Tuesday and Thursday from 9:00 in the morning until 8:00 at night with two breaks for lunch and dinner. Poor Joe takes work off to watch Jay, except Thursday mornings when Katie (bless her heart) takes Jay for a few hours to let Joe work. It's been incredibly hard, especially for Joe who is trying to build a business only being able to work Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. For a while it felt like Joe and I were living two very separate lives with very separate goals. But then something pretty incredible happened. I realized that our circumstances were not going to change. I am supposed to be going to school right now. Joe is supposed to be starting this business. And, as a couple, we are supposed to come together and get through it all. All of a sudden, the idea of us being a partnership just clicked. We could be selfish with the our time, trying to accomplish our own goals, or we could do everything possible to help each other.

Before this realization, I was starting to feel sorry for myself. You see, I have always wanted to graduate. I adore school. I get very excited to learn new things and turn in homework and take tests and get shiny little A's on my transcript. The problem is that I have been to three other schools (when I was single) and none of those experiences were this hard. Doing homework during the day is nearly impossible with Jay needing my attention. I would love to have time to go to the lab, or library, or chat with professors, but as soon as class is over, I dart home to put Jay down for a nap or spend a few minutes with Joe before I head back to school. I kept thinking, "I have been praying for the opportunity to go back to school for years now, and now that it's here I can't even enjoy it." And I know Joe feels the same way about starting his business. He's wanted to do this for a very long time and my school is kind of putting a damper on that.

BUT our attitudes are changing. I've realized that I need to live more in the moment. When I'm at school, I need to be at school and not constantly thinking about home or feeling guilty. When I'm at home, I need to focus on Joe and Jay. Joe has the opposite problem. He focuses too much on the moment and forgets the long term.

This week has been so much better. I feel at peace. I appreciate school more, and most importantly, I appreciate Joe more. This is going to sound so dumb, but I felt a little older this week, like a real married couple. I thought, "Man, this is a mature attitude I'm having right now." And then I realized that only an immature person would think they were being mature. Oh well. It's gotta be a step in the right direction.

3 comments:

Kade and Teann said...

Stace- Thanks for always sharing your feelings so openly. When you're willing to put yourself in a vulnerable spot like that, it not only helps you to share it but also the rest of us you share it with.

Life is pretty darn hard, and it seems like we learn and learn all through primary and young women's how to do the steps x, y, and z that will get us back to the Celestial Kingdom. But the last step, that little, itty, bitty one called "Endure to the end," yeah, no one mentions that that's THE HARDEST ONE OF ALL! :) But this is why we're here: to be tested! We're all growing and learning and as you said, maturing. :) So hang in there. I'm so impressed that you're in school. That has to be crazy-tough in addition to motherhood, but if anyone can do it, YOU can!! Keep up the prayers.
Love you,
Teann

Shannon said...

Stacy, you are so wise. I am completely confident that you are doing the best thing for you and your family. I just love who you are and everything you strive for. TVB.

G & G Brady said...

Stacy and Joe, You guys are partners(in your marriage and parenting)--I'm impressed by (and LOVE) both of you (and of course our Jay too). You both work hard and try to include the Lord in your decisions and follow His guidance. As you continue to do so-You will succeed together!Love you!