It's early and I can't sleep.
I have so many thoughts running through my head.
Now that we're finally in our new house and I can begin to prepare for this new baby (3 weeks!), I can tell that all of this change has been hard on Jay. He's become incredibly clingy and doesn't understand why baby gets to use all of his old stuff that he isn't allowed to play with anymore.
To be honest, though, I'm having a hard time too. Having a child like Jay makes me terrified of what this next baby may bring. I remember in High School, when my brother died, I thought that I'd been through the worst thing ever and that Heavenly Father wouldn't put me through something like that again. But after the first trip to the ER, frantically running my barely breathing child into St. Lukes hoping someone could save him, I realized life wasn't that simple. Bad things happen. Multiple times.
I wish that the normal second time mom fears were the only fears that I had to face... How will I get enough sleep with this one? What if they don't get along? etc. But this morning I find myself wanting to go into Jay's bedroom, hold him close, and tell him things that he can't possibly understand... things like "Mommy will still do her best to protect you Jay."
I was talking to my mom the other day, possibly one of the only people who can really understand my fear, having lost a child herself. My mom is really strong and smart. I told her how I loved Jay so much that it hurt. How I didn't know I could love a child so much and at the same time be so afraid of losing them every second of every day. And most importantly, I told her that I didn't think I could do it again... worry so much, cry myself to sleep, take another child to the ER begging the doctor to please just make him better. I told her sometimes I'm angry with God. She didn't judge me for that last one. I'm sure that she sometimes felt the same way. But she told me not to borrow sorrow. She said that she thinks Heavenly Father allows things to happen in our lives more than He causes them to happen. I needed to hear that. It helped with my anger issue.
So here I am. Still scared but working on having a better perspective. I hope and pray this child is perfectly normal but if not... I'll make it. At least I know that whatever happens, he's mine forever.
I have so many thoughts running through my head.
Now that we're finally in our new house and I can begin to prepare for this new baby (3 weeks!), I can tell that all of this change has been hard on Jay. He's become incredibly clingy and doesn't understand why baby gets to use all of his old stuff that he isn't allowed to play with anymore.
To be honest, though, I'm having a hard time too. Having a child like Jay makes me terrified of what this next baby may bring. I remember in High School, when my brother died, I thought that I'd been through the worst thing ever and that Heavenly Father wouldn't put me through something like that again. But after the first trip to the ER, frantically running my barely breathing child into St. Lukes hoping someone could save him, I realized life wasn't that simple. Bad things happen. Multiple times.
I wish that the normal second time mom fears were the only fears that I had to face... How will I get enough sleep with this one? What if they don't get along? etc. But this morning I find myself wanting to go into Jay's bedroom, hold him close, and tell him things that he can't possibly understand... things like "Mommy will still do her best to protect you Jay."
I was talking to my mom the other day, possibly one of the only people who can really understand my fear, having lost a child herself. My mom is really strong and smart. I told her how I loved Jay so much that it hurt. How I didn't know I could love a child so much and at the same time be so afraid of losing them every second of every day. And most importantly, I told her that I didn't think I could do it again... worry so much, cry myself to sleep, take another child to the ER begging the doctor to please just make him better. I told her sometimes I'm angry with God. She didn't judge me for that last one. I'm sure that she sometimes felt the same way. But she told me not to borrow sorrow. She said that she thinks Heavenly Father allows things to happen in our lives more than He causes them to happen. I needed to hear that. It helped with my anger issue.
So here I am. Still scared but working on having a better perspective. I hope and pray this child is perfectly normal but if not... I'll make it. At least I know that whatever happens, he's mine forever.
Love you guys so much! It was nice to talk to both you and Joe the other day. I agree with you about your Mom. She is amazing and strong, and smart. I'm so glad to be getting to know her better. 'Don't borrow sorrow'--wise counsel for all of us.
ReplyDeleteKnow that you are loved and all of you are always in our prayers. Love, Mom B.
Stace - only one thing to add to this poignant post: Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for each of us. All will be well.
ReplyDelete*I thought of you practically every day in Italy (and almost constantly while I was in La Spezia). So much to share. I'm just getting back into the swing of things, but let's talk soon. TI VOGLIO BENE!
I'm glad we got to talk the other day... if you ever need a shoulder to vent to, it's mine! :) Isn't it funny (ironic funny, not laugh out loud funny) that the hardest things have to happen to the strongest people? I know it sometimes feels like a curse, but you can do it... I promise!
ReplyDeleteI lost my daughter after 23 strong days of fighting for her life...I thought that I would never recover and I often asked God "why not me instead?" but I have grown to know that God makes NO mistakes and that sometimes He needs His angels a lot more than we do. May peace and blessings be with you and your beautiful family :)
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